Being a nice guy makes you an asshole

Being a nice guy, in the context of women, kinda makes you an asshole. By nice guy I mean a guy who has romantic interest in a girl, but avoids being explicit in his interest in her sexually, or does not hit on her. The kind of guy who does not approach with intent, but rather neutrally, hoping something might happen. The kind of guy who has a crush, but keeps it a secret. The kind of guy who, because he’s scared of rejection, never steps up and asks her out, but instead does her homework and hopes someday she’ll magically desire to be more than friends. The kind of guy who is in the friendzone and is frustrated by it.

On the surface a guy like this is just being “respectful” or “shy” but I think on a deep level his actions are offensive and disrespectful - here’s how:

Being a guy who does not convey romantic interest to a girl you have interest in, this makes you dishonest. You may think your actions are out of respect and friendliness, but in reality they’re based in fear and dishonesty. Your words, and actions are not aligned with your intentions. Akin to the guy who’s only being your friend because he secretly wants something you have. This does not make you a nice guy, it makes you an asshole.

By not being explicit with a girl you’re interested in, you’re indirectly telling her she’s not worth the risk. Many guys fear rejection, but rejection is just temporary bad emotions, and by not being clear in your intentions you’re implying she is not special enough to risk feeling temporary bad emotions. You’re saying by your lack of action “I’m more interested in protecting my ego from a little pain than I’m interested in you”   You’re indirectly telling she’s not special, not worth it - This does not make you a nice guy, it makes you a selfish asshole.

By not taking action, by either not approaching with intent or not making romantic advances (going for a kiss, or asking her out) you’re indirectly communicating to her you're not the type of man who goes for what he wants, but rather lets fear dictate his life. A man who desires to live his life in accordance to his values will aspire to move towards the life he wants, this requires going for what you want. If you believe you deserve to live the life you want, you will take action. By being just the “nice friend” around a girl you want to date, and taking no action to materialize that desire you’re subcommunicating that you don’t really value your own life. Yes, this is a little extreme “So if I don’t hit on chicks you’re saying I hate my life?” - In a way yes, but women are more symbolic in the context of the point i’m making.  This idea does not only apply to women, but in all aspects of your life, but it’s more true with women because the level of effort to take action is SO tiny the point is even more potent. Imagine a man who has the chance to get a good paying job that he says he wants, but doesn't want to get out of bed because “it’s so warm and comfortable in my bed” - What would this say about him? What does this say about how much he values the job? This analogy fits well because the rewards of being clear in your intent with a woman could be amazing if she responds well, where the risk is tiny (temporary bad emotions). This does not make you a “nice guy” it makes you an asshole for taking life for granted and not having the self respect to move towards a life you deep down want.

Many “nice guys” have warped views about guys who take action when it comes to girls they’re interested in. Words like “Douchebag” or “jerk” are common. “Why do girls go for jerks” they cry “I’m a good guy, I have a good job, so unfair” - This is an intuitive response, but when you change the frame the picture changes. If a man believes he’s a quality person, and has a lot to offer a girl - then NOT offering it makes you the douchebag, the jerk, the asshole. If you believe you’re a quality guy who’d be a positive addition to a girls life, and you take no action, then does that not mean you’re in a way depriving her? It’s not in the feminine nature to lead. This means even if she’s interested she will most certainly do nothing. Imagine a painter who paints beautiful art, he sits at home frustrated nobody appreciates his art. He mutters “ugh, my paintings are good, why is it the only artists who get exposure are the pushy guys who leave the house to show people their art” Stop being an asshole and go make your “art” visible.

Although downplayed female sexual frustration exists, not in the form of whether they can have intimacy, but getting it from the guys they want it from. Ask any girl “have you ever wanted a guy to make a move and he didnt?” - watch their eyes light up with stories. It’s totally adorable, but at the same time they’re being frustrated by ‘nice guys’

A KPOP song comes to mind that’s about this very thing: Nice guys frustrating girls

“Today I have a date with you for the first time in a while
What do I do, what do I do, the sun is already setting
Every day, every night – when will we get a bit closer?
I can’t even say it because I’m the girl
Stupid boy, silly boy, I can’t wait any longer
Today I will be courageous and tell you
After the evening sun sets, after the darkness falls
Will you take me home?
I don’t want to say goodbye yet, do you want to get to know me more?
Then do you want to come in and have some tea?
This night is too long by myself
I want to know you more
I ask of you until the morning comes “

In short, when you examine the “nice guy” behavior, there’s really nothing nice about it. Not being clear in your intent, and not taking action with the women you’re romantically interested is not being nice, it’s being a dishonest, selfish, ungiving asshole who has no self-respect. So sorry bro, there’s nothing nice about you.

Entitlement's Effect on Success

As subtle as it would seem, when it comes to success with anything, the beliefs in your head can be more powerful than other external efforts to get what you want. A boxer can train for weeks, but without the belief that he’s capable of beating his opponent, he has little chance of beating him.

This could not be more true with interacting with women. Your beliefs about who you are, what you’re entitled to, and what you’re capable will directly translate into how you speak, act, and behave around women you’re attracted to.

If a guy gets the courage to talk to a girl, but lacks the belief he’s entitled to her attention, or lacks the belief he’s capable of getting attraction, then this will translate into behavior. Shotty eye contact, speaking too quickly, nervous energy etc. His mind will be flooded with what he can say to keep her attention, something premised on the idea that he alone is not enough to keep her there. Akin to a man defusing a bomb, his head space is anticipating an explosion and it’s showing. The girl will get creeped out and reject him.

In contrast, a guy with a strong sense of identity, who may have dated women in the past as beautiful or more so will have a sense of entitlement and confidence about his capabilities to attract. He will have less pressure to ‘keep her attention’ since her attention is not a big deal. This will translate into him keeping normal eye contact, speak at a normal pace, be relaxed and basically be normal.

The girl’s subconscious mind registers this to reflect on his status, whether real or not, since if he’s this way around her, it must mean he’s this way around women like her. This is what women really mean when they say “just be yourself.” - In reality “being yourself” is a shadow, and it reflects how you view yourself, and more importantly, how you view her.